I met Hubbie through a fear, a fear of heights. I was living in a little two-bed terrace and couldn't go up a ladder to paint the outside of the house. I had the colour all sorted out, a sort-of cornflower blue and managed to do the bottom half but when it came to the higher bits, I just couldn't do it. The front of the house resembled a very large dolly mixture sweet for about a week. Hubbie was the brother of one of my friends at work and he popped along and did the rest of the wall, the rest is history.
I still don't like heights, which annoys me because I don't like being the girlie-girl-relying-on-other-people but it won't change now.
When you become a parent, especially a special needs parent, your worries and fears change.
I try not to think too far into the future because I'd collapse in a J-sized heap. I'd much rather be in the "here and now", dealing with problems and issues as they arise. Trying not to wonder if D, in particular, will live independently, having a relationship, be happy.
I also worry about other people's perceptions of my children, because their autism is an "invisible disability" and first impressions are what counts for so many things, I worry that they'll be seen as rude/naughty/out of control. That others will use their autism as an excuse to bully, to mock, to hurt them - both physically and emotionally.
I worry that I won't be around for them and wonder how they'll cope. That worry always makes me cry (dammit).
So, what am I afraid of? Life and Death but for different reasons.
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